Published Feb 14, 09 AM
By Emelia Symington Fedy
I was feeling really down yesterday.
“I don’t make enough money.”
“I work too hard.”
“I’m not appreciated for what I do.”
“No one cares.”
“I should just quit.”
I was throwing myself a real fucking pity party, and of course I found myself squished down the rabbit hole of the internet and emerged out onto a website that blew me away.
The design was gorgeous.
The brand was impeccable.
And what she was offering was my salvation. Words like
flew off the screen and into my heart.
She knows what I need, and it’s a good price.
Because instead of feeling my uncomfortable feelings.
Instead of feeling like a total fucking middle-aged failure, this website gives me hope.
A way out of myself.
The funny thing is that I have done this before. I have bought the online course, the book, the training, the seminar and the weekend workshop. And I’m still searching.
Sure, I got tidbits and clues.
My website runs faster and I understand the law of attraction but really, am I really any better for all the time and money I have spent on this quest?
“But what if this is the one? What if this is the information I need that will change everything?”
“And you found it on the Internet for $250?”
When it seems too good to be true, it is.
Enlightenment doesn’t cost money.
It costs you your ego.
And my ego is exactly who wants me to buy into this system, to take my mind off my pain and once again streamline my focus into shit-hot copy and affirmations and worksheets.
I’m not saying wellness marketing is bad. I’m saying, like under-eye-wrinkle cream, it doesn’t do much for the long term.
It won’t save you from the darkness.
It won’t alleviate the heavy burden you carry inside.
It just makes you laser focus in on the crow’s feet and fine lines for awhile.
But it always comes back—stronger.
You know this.
I know you know.
Here is my system.
I think it works pretty well, except when you are too broken too bother. Then, just take a break from for a while and watch some Honey Boo Boo clips. I am selling it for $1,000,000. Please send me a personal check because I haven’t figured out Paypal yet.
- Meditate more.
- Try to eat green food.
- Exercise more days than not.
- Whatever you most love to do, do it as much as possible.
- Even if your parents drive you fucking crazy, call them weekly and try to be kind.
- Sleep as much as you can
- Eat your most favorite thing at least once a month.
- Travel somewhere at least once a year (even if it’s on credit).
- Don’t buy any more new clothes. Okay, once a year buy yourself some new clothes (but NOT on credit).
- Assume this is your income stream and your family and your home and your body and this is as good as it’s ever going to get, and breathe that shit in.
- Get comfortable with pain.
- Get comfortable with dark thoughts.
- Call your friends on the phone.
- Trust your gut.
- Write down your goals. Put the paper between your bed sheets. Pray, and then let it go. Once a year, take out the paper, read it, make any changes and repeat for eternity.
- Thank God you were born before going to bed, even if you are not thankful.
- Be gentle with yourself because life is hard and dreams are scary and you are doing the best you can.
- Don’t buy anymore online programs, ever.
We don’t need anyone else telling us what the answer is.
We know what to do.
We have to learn to deal with this.
Deal with it.
I find laughing helps a lot too.
“Self-acceptance is not a pie-in-the-sky abstract concept, because there is not an abstract self floating around, begging to be accepted. The self is as we experience ourselves: happy one moment, anxious the next; giving now, needy then. The problem is not that we have these shifting and conflicting feelings; the problem is that we take a very conditional attitude toward them. We wish to hold on to some, drive away the others. So, self-acceptance does not mean self-admiration or even self-liking at every moment of our lives, but tolerance for all our emotions, including those that make us feel uncomfortable.”
- Gabor Mate, Scattered Minds
You are smart.
I believe in you.
I’m just as fucked up.
Let’s stop wanting so much.
Instead, let’s try our very best to be who we are, shall we?
About Emelia Symington Fedy
Emelia writes for tryingtobegood.com, a popular social commentary website that tackles spirituality; contemporary feminism; deep, fucked up pain and love—all in the first person. In under a year, with over a million views, tryingtobegood.com offers essays, homemade videos and live storytelling—from her guts to yours.