Published May 11, 09 AM
By Nadine Fawell
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Yoga Olympics.
It’s an all-new event, and although many of you have been competing on an amateur level for years, it’s time to get professional. Start training, and if you are good enough you might make it into the top levels of yoga. Events at the Yoga Olympics include:
This is, of course, the most important event. If you can stick your head further up your own ass than anyone else, you will win. This is the major leagues. Time to up the ante.
The fencing of the Yoga Olympics, this event requires subtlety and deftness. You will need to be able to make others feel withered because you meditate for longer, or have a better mala, or know more Sanskrit, or can lead a Kirtan the best.
If you can do those things, but you don’t make other people feel like assholes in the light of your spiritual superiority, you will not stand a chance in this event. Get training!
Food-rule Face Off
It’s a matter of discipline, this one. Vegans have an automatic advantage over mere vegetarians here, and if you can add more rules, like sugar free, organic-only, no coffee, nothing cooked, you are well on your way to qualifying for this event.
Meat-eating, coffee drinkers need not apply.
Cool Studio Comparison
There are two parts to this event: doing yoga at the coolest studio in town, and, in the elite section, owning or working at the coolest studio. To be really competitive here, you must be able to list all the reasons practicing in a community centre/church hall/at home is not acceptable, and preferably be able to name-drop more than anyone else. It’s a battle of wits, fairy lights, and popularity.
Only for cool kids.
The truly skilled in this field will be able to apply sanctimonious bull in all the other events giving them an inevitable edge.
Stars in this event will be skilled at diagnosing the shortcomings of others. They will be able to come across as the saintliest in the room, and quote all sorts of random yoga ‘knowledge’ at the drop of a hat.
They will be able to tell you why you aren’t living up to your niyamas. Even if you don’t know what niyamas are.
It’s time to get practicing, people. Only the best of the best can win.
About Nadine Fawell:
Nadine Fawell’s edit button doesn’t work: if there is something inappropriate to be said, she will say it. Often in yoga class. She drinks coffee and swears and sometimes she thinks deeply about life. You can find her at www.yogawithnadine.com.