Published Jun 6, 11 AM
By Shawn Radcliffe
You just finished your 200-hour yoga teacher certification program.
You ditched your lame-a$$ video-game playing boyfriend. (You’re enlightened, he’s not … what else could you do?)
You’ve even put in a few hours teaching yoga to down-on-their-luck kids. (Yay, good for you!)
Well, in a nutshell, it’s time to start putting your yoga education to good use.
No, that doesn’t mean teaching free or donation-based classes at some cramped space above a chiropractor’s office. YOU are a certified yoga teacher. (Yoga Alliance RYT, baby!) You deserve better than that. (Besides, who needs a weekly donation of questionable meat or smelly-a$$ hugs?)
It’s time to make some money … no, not some money … it’s time to make $#!^loads of money with yoga.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable about that, you need to work on your issues with abundance. You worked hard during those grueling eight weeks of yoga teacher training. (How many times did you have to touch that creepy guy during a yoga pose assist?) You deserve this. It’s your time, baby. So let go of your hang-ups and send your energy out into the universe. But don’t let it back in unless it’s packing the green stuff.
To get you started, here are some surefire ways to capitalize on your newfound yoga knowledge. And remember, if yoga doesn’t help you get rich, then you’re doing something wrong.
Accessorize, the Yoga Way
No one really makes money from teaching yoga classes. What rakes in the dough are yoga accessories. You need to build your brand the old-fashioned way: with kitschy gear that sports your sparkling logo or smiling face. The sky’s the limit when it comes to selling yoga accessories—blocks, mats, fashionable yoga wear, water bottles, key chains, even bobble heads. Sure, Chinese-made plastic gear is cheap, but don’t overlook the potential of baked goods shaped like you doing yoga poses (soft pretzels, anyone?).
Dance, Baby, Dance, Like the World Is Ending
A sure-fire way to increase your profit margin is to host yoga-themed parties. Yoga people are known for loving a good time. Ever notice how many yoga studios are across the street from a bar? Even those silent, meditative types will show up at your party when they realize there will be live kirtan music. For an extra boost to your bottom line, don’t forget the liquor bar. Just be sure not to uncork the bottles or tap the kegs until the pre-dance yoga class is over.
And to make your little Friday night get-together into the event of the year, turn it into an invite-only floating yoga rave held at a condemned warehouse or under a bridge with the homeless people (the same ones you held yoga classes for when you were a student). Throw in a few fire dancers and hula hoopers and every super-bendy girl and power-yoga guy will be clamoring to get in.
Spin Off Your Yoga Classes
The spin-off works so well for television shows that it’d be a yoga sin to not try it with your yoga classes. What’s a yoga spin-off? Think “yoga for dogs,” “yoga for cats,” “yoga for baristas,” “yoga for guys looking to hook up.” As with TV, the beauty is that spin-offs take only half the effort to produce (just spin real hard and see what pops out). Not every yoga class spin-off, though, will be successful. The trick is to churn them out as fast as you can. This is the same method used by insects—and some guys lurking in the back of yoga classes—to ensure the survival of their offspring.
Sue Everybody Over Everything
If in doubt, sue your way to financial freedom. Your options for yoga lawsuits include: copyright infringement (for that stolen article from your studio’s website), trademark infringement (for the pose that you were the first to do on one foot under the light of a blue moon), unlawful injury (for the client who sweat a big puddle on your studio floor, causing you to slip and fall), or emotional distress (if those tiny cupcakes sold next to your studio aren’t distressing, I don’t know what is).
Embrace (Your Version Of) Tantric Yoga
Men already think women who do yoga are easy, so why not make a little money off that? A yoga studio is a perfect front for a prostitution ring. You have everything you need—mood lighting, heat lamps, kinky props, mirrors and well-stocked showers. I’m sure you can even adapt your studio management software for your new clientele (“Do you have any injuries I should know about?” “I see it’s your birthday today. Congratulations, you get a free session!”). But don’t forget to send each client home with a complimentary bobble head to help him remember his experience at your studio.
About Shawn Radcliffe
Shawn Radcliffe is an American yoga teacher and writer lost in Canadian translation, living at the intersection of here and there, down the street from a small town junk store that (for some reason still unknown to him) sells large rocks. Once a unicycling lab mole, Shawn now writes about the world from the serene confines of a basement yoga room. His science writing, fiction, and poetry can be found at branain.com.