Get real with your yoga — it’s finally possible!

Published on December 2, 2011 by      Print
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A new yoga-inspired product line

 By Jenifer Parker

In honor of the mat that will take you to the very essence of your heart, as well as the pants that transport you to the next level, I am thrilled to offer you the most amazing new products to truly elevate your yoga experience from Poser to Real Yogi. In fact, with these props, you will really be practicing yoga, rather than the mere 2/5ths of yoga you practice when you only have the mat and pants.

Oh yes! My karma on this plane of existence is not only to teach kick-asana yoga, but to help you discover the real experience of yoga through these amazing accompaniments to practice!

For a limited time only, I bring you these unique tools:

Thousand-Petal Block! 

This specially engineered, unique tool will open your thousand-petal lotus in ways that can never be achieved without it. Without this block, you are… well, lets be honest, blocked!

This block is made of sustainable wood and rubbed with biodynamic bees wax. This means that it is imbued with the Life Force of the Earth and the Sky. This Life Force will flow through you as soon as you open our recycled packaging and feel the amazing presence of trees and bees!

Not only can you get the full benefit of this block in your practice, but you will discover the diversity of using this block as a door stop or festive cupcake stand!

Kundalini Rising Strap!

Working with generations of textile weavers, the strap that inspires the waking of the snake within has finally been created!

In its dormant position, this strap gives a constant reminder of the dynamic coil of kundalini at rest.  Made of organic cotton with a recycled-plastic dohickey to facilitate making loops and spirals, our dynamic kundalini rises up as we use the strap to its fullest expression!

In addition, you can use this strap to attach crates to your bicycle or enjoy tantric, yet still fully brahmacharyic fun with that guy or gal you met in yoga class this morning!

Speak Your Truth Towel!

This might be the most important prop of all. This prop is not only an exceptionally useful towel for wiping sweat, using as a pad under your knees, washing the dog vomit off your carpet, and a myriad of other mundane uses similar to an ordinary towel, but it is specifically designed to infuse you with the capacity of speaking your truth!

Foremost, the color of this towel is a unique shade of blue — to liberate your throat chakra. Second, it is inscribed with the most popular yoga words and phrases known to The Enlightened. You will be able to simply and easily communicate with the most advanced yoga practitioners and celebrities by simply being with this towel! You will notice how quickly you fall into this natural state of yoga-speak, an obvious indication of your ability to speak — and live — your truth!

It is positively your Dharma to BUY NOW!

About Jenifer Parker

For the most part, Jenifer tends to find herself in awkward positions: she excels at minor social faux pas, exhibitions of freestyle acrobatic breastfeeding, and instructing yoga postures with such intimate clarity that they have no choice but to become friends.

Jenifer has been teaching yoga for awhile, and she likes it. She also likes to teach other people how to teach yoga because they ask the best questions, and she loves to chat — which usually leads to minor social faux pas.

Filed under: Zombie Yoga and Tagged:


  1. Matthew says:

    Excellent. So where is the on-line store? I want that block! Biodynamic beeswax? Awesome.

  2. Mary Beth says:

    Love this Jenifer! These props will certainly complement that wide “Magic” purple mat ;-]

  3. Don says:

    This is great, sign me up for the package deal and the product of the month club!

  4. Magweni says:

    Gimme gimme gimme!

  5. Chrissy says:

    Awaken the snake…is it wrong that I giggle every time I think of that sentence!?
    Well done!

  6. Ann says:

    This is hilarious and great writing! I love the Kundalini strap! Reminds me of the time I had a new “friend” over, who did the unthinkable, and looked in my bathroom medicine cabinets. I could hear him laughing out loud when he found the $150 bottle of “tummy flattening creme” I had purchased – written on the bottle, “works best with proper diet and exercise.” Like no sh@t, right?

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