How I will elevate Lululemon
By Erica Schmidt
For those who are not up-to-date on my compelling and exciting life, I have recently relocated to Halifax to live with a boy I met on a boat. I have no regrets. However, I am finding the job search to be a little discouraging. Thus far, my most consistent gig has been teaching outdoor yoga on the harbour every evening it doesn’t rain, which equates to about once a week. The experience has been joyful and picturesque, but the job security is pretty terrible.
Because I would like to contribute more to my household than cheap toilet paper, I decided to offer my services selling expensive pants that make everyone’s butt look awesome, especially in Padangusthasana. I filled out an application to work at the local Lululemon store.
I have absolutely no retail experience, so I’m banking on my charm and good looks.
Lululemon also requires its prospective teammembers to complete a questionnaire. My answers to “The Top Eleven Things that Lululemon Wants to Know About Me,” are irresistible! See for yourself.
Q: A goal you’ve achieved that you’re proud of (Personal, Professional or Health)?
A: I wrote an epistolary novel with my ex-boyfriend; the one I didn’t meet on a boat. We wrote a version of our novel in both French and English. The French version is called Le petit sauvage et l’ermite which means The Little Savage and the Hermit. I am the little savage because I used to get a lot of cold sores and in French cold sores are “les feux sauvages” or “the savage fires.” Therefore, I am the little savage. (We left out “fire” for the sake of catchiness.) My ex-boyfriend is the hermit because he doesn’t really like people except to have sex with them.
While we were revising our novel, I took up watching the TV series “Breaking Bad.” Perhaps you aren’t familiar with this show because you are too busy meditating and merging with God. If that’s the case, then unfortunately you probably haven’t learned that a piece of a broken plate is a valid weapon with which to kill someone and/or injure him severely. These days, I haven’t been meditating or merging with God so I have learned from “Breaking Bad” that a broken plate holds that sort of potential. And yet, I remain spiritually evolved enough to be aware of the fact the Lululemon would never hire anyone who murdered and/or severely injured someone with a broken plate. (Or at least continue employing them.) Hence, during my many liquid-lunch-revision sessions with my ex-boyfriend-the-hermit, I never once considered throwing a plate across the room. Not once. I am immensely proud of this. (No one needs to mention that gin and tonics aren’t served on plates.)
Q:How have you elevated someone from mediocrity to greatness?
A: Before I met this recent love-of-my-life on a boat, most of my boyfriends were fairly mediocre. I elevated their existences with blowjobs by them simply knowing me.
Q: How will you elevate Lululemon?
A: My ass is truly excellent. I’ll look AMAZING in your pants. Unfortunately, I’ll have to pay for these pants in instalments. Never have I ever received compensation for my great ass. This will be a first.
Q: How would you spend an ideal day off with no financial limits?
A: The Lululemon Manifesto states that, “Friends are More Important than Money.” Although that’s probably right, I wouldn’t know because I just moved and I only have two and a half Halifax friends. These friends are probably tired of buying me coffees. On my day with no financial limits, I will buy coffees for my two and a half Halifax friends. They can have two coffees if they want. They can also have lattes and pastries and muffins. I will buy my friends various vitamins to ingest with their muffins because we never know what small mineral will eliminate the bottleneck to a long life. After coffee and vitamins and muffins are done, I will “Breathe deeply and appreciate the moment.” I probably should have done that before I bought the muffins. Once I am successfully living in the moment, I will hook myself up with two old-age pensions since the Lululemon Manifesto suggests that I mustn’t trust that one old-age pension will be sufficient. And finally, I would pay for a lifetime supply of laser hair removal so I can wear super short shorts like Kino MacGregor without anyone knowing whether or not I’ve had a bikini wax.
Q: If you could high five anyone, who would it be and why?
A: Margaret Atwood, to congratulate her for her productive alternatives to rolling up her duvet and humping it. And Kino MacGregor, for her great thighs and backbends and super short shorts.
Q: Tell me a quote you live by.
A: “Children are the orgasm of life. Make the appropriate exits.”
Q: What are you most passionate about?
A: I am very passionate about my boyfriend who I met on a boat and left Montreal for. I also love his big black German Shepherd named Eliot who cherishes racoons with his teeth. Additionally, I am wholeheartedly committed to devising productive alternatives to rolling up my duvet and humping it.
Q: What do you want to be remembered for?
A: My ass, my short shorts and my old age pension.
Q: What gets you up in the morning?
A: Yesterday it was my diva cup because it leaked. Today I awoke suddenly while dreaming about my eventual demise. I like to mix things up.
Q: What is the theme song of your life?
A: “Puff the Magic Dragon.” It could be about weed and that’s very interesting. Or it could have some political symbolism that I don’t understand. I like the part about frolicking in the autumn mist. I am pretty sure that Honalee is near the ocean.
Q: What is your favorite way to sweat?
A: By elevating someone else from mediocrity to greatness.
Guys, the interview is Friday morning. Once I’m hired, I’ll spread the word and we can figure out a good time for you to come and buy some pants! Until then, you know the deal: Dance, sing, floss, travel, and may all of your sweat regenerate your skin…
About Erica Schmidt
Nearly eight years ago, Erica Schmidt moved from Perth, Ontario to Montréal, Quebec in search of Jesus, her bandhas and her tailbone. Her bandhas and tailbone remain elusive; however, she did find Jesus. Although the two were married, Erica now cheats on Jesus with Ashtanga Yoga, Atwood novels, and Ovarian Kung Fu. Just recently, she relocated from Montréal to Halifax to live with a boy she met on a boat. When asked for a word she loathes and abhors, Erica responds, “Vibes. For years, I have been sending good vibes to the universe, and so far, all I have received are pubes. It’s breathtakingly disappointing.”