How I will elevate Lululemon

Published on October 3, 2011 by      Print
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By Erica Schmidt

For those who are not up-to-date on my compelling and exciting life, I have recently relocated to Halifax to live with a boy I met on a boat.  I have no regrets.  However, I am finding the job search to be a little discouraging.  Thus far, my most consistent gig has been teaching outdoor yoga on the harbour every evening it doesn’t rain, which equates to about once a week.  The experience has been joyful and picturesque, but the job security is pretty terrible.

Because I would like to contribute more to my household than cheap toilet paper, I decided to offer my services selling expensive pants that make everyone’s butt look awesome, especially in Padangusthasana.  I filled out an application to work at the local Lululemon store.

I have absolutely no retail experience, so I’m banking on my charm and good looks.

Lululemon also requires its prospective teammembers to complete a questionnaire.  My answers to “The Top Eleven Things that Lululemon Wants to Know About Me,” are irresistible!  See for yourself.

***
Q:  A goal you’ve achieved that you’re proud of (Personal, Professional or Health)?
A: I wrote an epistolary novel with my ex-boyfriend; the one I didn’t meet on a boat. We wrote a version of our novel in both French and English.  The French version is called Le petit sauvage et l’ermite which means The Little Savage and the Hermit. I am the little savage because I used to get a lot of cold sores and in French cold sores are “les feux sauvages” or “the savage fires.”  Therefore, I am the little savage. (We left out “fire” for the sake of catchiness.)  My ex-boyfriend is the hermit because he doesn’t really like people except to have sex with them.

While we were revising our novel, I took up watching the TV series “Breaking Bad.”  Perhaps you aren’t familiar with this show because you are too busy meditating and merging with God.  If that’s the case, then unfortunately you probably haven’t learned that a piece of a broken plate is a valid weapon with which to kill someone and/or injure him severely.  These days, I haven’t been meditating or merging with God so I have learned from “Breaking Bad” that a broken plate holds that sort of potential.  And yet, I remain spiritually evolved enough to be aware of the fact the Lululemon would never hire anyone who murdered and/or severely injured someone with a broken plate.  (Or at least continue employing them.) Hence, during my many liquid-lunch-revision sessions with my ex-boyfriend-the-hermit, I never once considered throwing a plate across the room.  Not once.  I am immensely proud of this.  (No one needs to mention that gin and tonics aren’t served on plates.)

Q:How have you elevated someone from mediocrity to greatness?
A: Before I met this recent love-of-my-life on a boat, most of my boyfriends were fairly mediocre.  I elevated their existences with blowjobs by them simply knowing me.

Q: How will you elevate Lululemon?
A: My ass is truly excellent.  I’ll look AMAZING in your pants.  Unfortunately, I’ll have to pay for these pants in instalments.  Never have I ever received compensation for my great ass. This will be a first.

Q: How would you spend an ideal day off with no financial limits?
A: The Lululemon Manifesto states that, “Friends are More Important than Money.”  Although that’s probably right, I wouldn’t know because I just moved and I only have two and a half Halifax friends. These friends are probably tired of buying me coffees.  On my day with no financial limits, I will buy coffees for my two and a half Halifax friends.  They can have two coffees if they want.  They can also have lattes and pastries and muffins.  I will buy my friends various vitamins to ingest with their muffins because we never know what small mineral will eliminate the bottleneck to a long life. After coffee and vitamins and muffins are done, I will “Breathe deeply and appreciate the moment.”  I probably should have done that before I bought the muffins.  Once I am successfully living in the moment, I will hook myself up with two old-age pensions since the Lululemon Manifesto suggests that I mustn’t trust that one old-age pension will be sufficient.  And finally, I would pay for a lifetime supply of laser hair removal so I can wear super short shorts like Kino MacGregor without anyone knowing whether or not I’ve had a bikini wax.

Q: If you could high five anyone, who would it be and why?
A: Margaret Atwood, to congratulate her for her productive alternatives to rolling up her duvet and humping it.  And Kino MacGregor, for her great thighs and backbends and super short shorts.

Q: Tell me a quote you live by.
A: “Children are the orgasm of life.  Make the appropriate exits.”

Q:  What are you most passionate about?
A:  I am very passionate about my boyfriend who I met on a boat and left Montreal for. I also love his big black German Shepherd named Eliot who cherishes racoons with his teeth.  Additionally, I am wholeheartedly committed to devising productive alternatives to rolling up my duvet and humping it.

Q: What do you want to be remembered for?
A: My ass, my short shorts and my old age pension.

Q:  What gets you up in the morning?
A:  Yesterday it was my diva cup because it leaked.  Today I awoke suddenly while dreaming about my eventual demise.  I like to mix things up.

Q: What is the theme song of your life?
A:  “Puff the Magic Dragon.”  It could be about weed and that’s very interesting.  Or it could have some political symbolism that I don’t understand.  I like the part about frolicking in the autumn mist.   I am pretty sure that Honalee is near the ocean.

Q:  What is your favorite way to sweat?
A:  By elevating someone else from mediocrity to greatness.

***

Guys, the interview is Friday morning.  Once I’m hired, I’ll spread the word and we can figure out a good time for you to come and buy some pants!  Until then, you know the deal:  Dance, sing, floss, travel, and may all of your sweat regenerate your skin…


About Erica Schmidt

Nearly eight years ago, Erica Schmidt moved from Perth, Ontario to Montréal, Quebec in search of Jesus, her bandhas and her tailbone. Her bandhas and tailbone remain elusive; however, she did find Jesus. Although the two were married, Erica now cheats on Jesus with Ashtanga Yoga, Atwood novels, and Ovarian Kung Fu. Just recently, she relocated from Montréal to Halifax to live with a boy she met on a boat. When asked for a word she loathes and abhors, Erica responds, “Vibes. For years, I have been sending good vibes to the universe, and so far, all I have received are pubes. It’s breathtakingly disappointing.”

You can read more of Erica’s musings at exuberantbodhisattva.blogspot.com or follow her on Twitter.

Filed under: Platitudes and Tagged:

22 Comments !

  1. matthew says:


    Perfect. I’ve had my eye on that $72 t-shirt for a while.

  2. amelia says:


    THANK YOU ERICA! I forgot what laughing was until I read this post. I’m in like with you.

    • Erica Schmidt says:


      Thank you very much Amelia. It’s my pleasure and as we both know, the Happy Lululemon people are big advocates of laughter. Laugh away. If you don’t have children, it’s the next best thing to an orgasm!

  3. melissa says:


    for reals? this is HIlarious.

  4. Isabelle says:


    I totally think you’ll get the job. Way to elevate my afternoon from mediocre to greatness ;) Sad that you’re no longer in MTL, I would’ve liked to take a class with you!

  5. Don says:


    Oh thanks, this was incredibly funny!

  6. sachie says:


    Well done! I’m still laughing about the bjs :)

  7. Crystal @YogiCrystal says:


    How could you not get hired with an application like that?! At least you’re honest.. ;)

  8. Kara says:


    This piece is lovely. Hysterical and well-written. Thanks for sharing and good luck with the job!

  9. Jenifer says:


    wow. even taking that form seriously, those are really tough and kinda pretentious to answer. I can’t imagine how or whether i’ve ever elevated someone to greatness. I mean, I can’t take credit for someone else’s life changing. I’m generally supportive and encouraging. . .but wow. I mean, you have to have a really big ego to go “oh yeah, every day in my yoga classes, i elevate people from mediocre to greatness!”

    no, man, i teach warrior I on occasion. what people do with whatever i’m rambling on about. . . and if it elevates them to greatness, isn’t that their thing?

    • Erica Schmidt says:


      Oh no, Jenifer! You must take credit! Put the warrior pose on your resumé. Most people are totally useless until you tell them how to square their pelvises. ;) Thanks for your comment and thank goodness for teachers like you!

  10. Warriorsaint says:


    This was so funny-really brightened my Monday!

  11. eleles says:


    I love Breaking Bad. :)

  12. Janet says:


    I applied for a job at Lulu once, got to the interview stage – did you know it is with a group? All the people who have applied that week, I guess – and then did not get the job because I didn’t have the right “fitness goals.”…

    Good luck and keep up the hilarious spirit. The diva cup gets me out of bed too.. that, and coffee of course!!! =D

    • Erica Schmidt says:


      Hi Janet!
      I think you’ll get to read about the Group Interview tomorrow! I have terrible fitness goals. My ten-year goal was to quit alcohol and caffeine. Maybe next time I’ll say I want an even pelvis and things will go better. But to be honest, I have no desire to lose thirty pounds or run a marathon. Or take up Zumba. Absolutely no Zumba for me.
      This may lead to me having a very lousy life.

      • Yogini5 says:


        You may change your mind if you find you have to sell their LULUmba pants for them (since the name Zumba is already trademarked) …

  13. Ellenpie says:


    “My ass is going to look great in your pants…but I’m going to have to pay for them in installments…” Hysterical and sadly, true. I paid less for a pair of interview suit pants at Ann Taylor than Lululemon charges for YOGA pants. And yes, the AT pants were on sale, but they still listed for less than their LULU “counterpart”. Unbelievable!

  14. Stephanie says:


    Oh Lulu…

    I often call them the evil empire, but I really don’t mean that. I’m just bitter because they don’t recognize my body as being a valid repressentation of the yoga body… (even though, and not to be snarky or judgemental, my yoga kicks the ass of their yoga.)

    I even had a friend who is a beautiful yogini, who was told by an educator, “you could make it a goal to fit into a pair of our pants.” I am sure that she felt really evelated by that comment.

    Sigh….

    Not that Lulu bothers me or anything.

    • Yogini5 says:


      I was hoping someone would bring up their lack of size diversity (for women—I understand men don’t have much of a problem with their sizes) …

      That’s why there’s Athleta …

  15. How I will elevate Lululemon. ~ Erica Schmidt | elephant journal says:


    [...] elevate Lululemon. ~ Erica Schmidt  Originally published by our elephriends over at Recovering Yogi on October 3, 2011.  [...]

  16. The group interview. ~ Erica Schmidt | elephant journal says:


    [...] Read Part 1 of Erica Schmidt’s colorful account of applying for a job with Lululemon. [...]

  17. Carolyn @ Eat.Live.Be Well says:


    Love the Atwood quote. She is my favorite author!
    This was a very good read. Thanks for the entertainment. I


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