Class description: Lunchtime Power Hour

Published on February 25, 2011 by      Print
facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailby feather

by Vanessa Fiola

This could be a real yoga class.

Every Friday we publish a reader-submitted satirical yoga bio or class description. Submit yours to submissions@recoveringyogi.com!

Lunchtime Power Hour:

Want to bring some zen to your busy workday? Well come on in and we’ll pretend like we know what that means! This 60 minute class will begin with 15 minutes worth of plugs for upcoming workshops and a maxim-filled monologue by your yoga teacher / self-appointed life coach, Hayley. Meanwhile, you’re stuck sitting in fidget pose. Your homicidal thoughts will be interrupted with a too-brief breathing exercise and the opportunity to switch sides.

Finally it’s time to stand up and stretch! Lead with your hearts, everybody! You’ll practice several variations on sun salutations. (Your teacher learned this sequence in a David Life class last weekend and it was really, really awesome!) The music volume will rise and fall without reason or discernible pattern. Annoyed? Remember: the obstacle in your path is your path.

Half past the hour is workshop time! ‘Cause like, what better forum than an hour-long class to break down triangle in painstaking detail? You’ll roll your eyes like a motherf*cker at the class sycophant, as she poses question after pointless question, flexing her teacher trainee knowledge and sucking any particle of enjoyment from the class. The last 10 minutes will be rounded out with a mix of advanced backbends for which you are wholly unprepared, followed by shoulderstand. Hope you weren’t expecting hip openers! Your practice will culminate with a 45-second savasana. (If you want rest, next time try Restorative Yoga.)

Head back to work thinking maybe you should take up smoking instead!

About Vanessa Fiola

 

Filed under: Zombie Yoga and Tagged:

9 Comments !

  1. Matthew says:


    So glad this is the first thing I read today. Funny and true.

  2. Leslie says:


    Smoking is cheaper to boot.

  3. Tweets that mention Class description: Lunchtime Power Hour -- Topsy.com says:


    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by vanessa, Leslie Munday. Leslie Munday said: If a canned yoga class description could talk, this is what it might say. New post @recoveringyogi by @vanessafiola: http://bit.ly/eCimvd [...]

  4. Y is for Yogini says:


    Fidget pose! Story of my life.

  5. Sara says:


    Ouch. It kind of hurts when the snarky description hits so close to home. I think I’ve said “I just learned this in/from….” a few too many times. This post made me laugh to (at) myself a bit. Funny stuff.


Leave a Reply

Asterisk (*) marked fields are required

 characters still available (brevity is a form of creativity!)