No more advice!
By Nadine Fawell
It’s the unsolicited advice. I think it might be giving me hives.
The well-meaning, often insulting, always unasked-for advice. From those people. You know the ones — the ones who believe that you should always be working on yourself. That everything, and I do mean everything, can and SHOULD be changed. Who assume that their advice is welcome. Or even, you know, appropriate. And who, by the very act of Giving The Advice, show how much they don’t know about your life.
Because you haven’t told them. Because you know you’d just feel even more judged.
Actual conversation:
Helpful Advice-giver (HAG for short), while looking at my lumbar spine/ass combo: “Do you ever get lower back pain?”
Me: “No. I have hypermobile SI joints, but I don’t get lumbar pain.”
HAG: “Because you could correct that posture, you know.”
Me: Stunned silence, slightly grumpy face.
HAG: “I mean, I used to have out of control back pain, and my hips were so tight, I had posture like yours, but I’ve fixed it.”
Me: “I have some ranges of motion that don’t work for my SI joints, but I’ve learned to modify for my body over the years and I don’t have pain. I just avoid the ranges of motion I can’t do.”
Oh, that was so. Fucking. Stupid. Of me.
HAG: “You can’t do those things? I used to have the tightest hips, but through yoga, and all sorts of other techniques, I learned to release that, and now I can do pretty much everything.”
Me: More grumpy silence. Quietly wondering why I mentioned the range of motion thing.
Because, once again, here I am with someone telling me I can (and should) change my bones.
What a great way to make people feel really bad about themselves and their shortcomings. Actually, telling a virtual stranger that you think they have bad posture is a pretty good way to cause insult, too. Especially if you repeat yourself, just to make sure you get the point across. And keep talking, even when the person is clearly not being responsive to The Advice.
Eventually, I could take no more of The Advice, and I said this:
“I’m not interested in changing my body. I’m interested in being comfortable in my body. And I am.”
She did have the grace to look slightly embarrassed, and the torturous conversation about my shortcomings and how I should fix them was over. If I can offer some unsolicited advice? Don’t. Don’t give advice unless it’s specifically asked for.
We are all just trying our best, you know? We don’t need people telling us how badly we are doing.
About Nadine Fawell:
Nadine Fawell’s edit button doesn’t work: if there is something inappropriate to be said, she will say it. Often in yoga class. She drinks coffee and swears and sometimes she thinks deeply about life. You can find her at www.yogawithnadine.com.
34 Comments !
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Vision_Quest2 says:
Yup, it’s just like the diet proselytizers.
“If I ASK for your opinion, you will know it … or I will tell you …”
I hate it when people treat everything as an opening to stick their 2 cents in …
Nadine Fawell says:
I love that word, proselytizer. I don’t think I’ve ever read it outside of a book!
Joslyn Hamilton says:
I live in Marin County, ground zero of the vapid new age scene, where unsolicited advice is given at the drop of a hat. If I even so much as sneeze, I get bombarded with a confetti of suggestions about the latest miracle supplement, superfood or healer. It drives me bonks, mostly because the advice is so often crackpot or just completely uninformed. And also because it’s so zealous! It has taught me a lesson about complaining though, I’ll tell you what. I’ve gotten much better at just keeping my complaints to myself.
Nadine Fawell says:
What an elegant solution, Joslyn – just don’t complain. I think I might try that (don’t worry, I’m not taking it as advice…).
J. Brown says:
You and me both with the SI troubles. I’ve had to seriously reduce the range of motion I allow. All those young folks who are forever cranking those twists and back-bends may have to learn the hard way, as we have. Ah well. Thanks for keeping it real Nadine.
Nadine Fawell says:
Ah, the body of an older (and hyper mobile) yogi…
You know we can FIX our SIJ’s, right
J. Brown says:
Of course we can FIX our SIJ’s. We just need to stretch our IT bands and do more hip openers. Right?
J. Brown says:
I’m hoping the sarcasm came through.
Nadine Fawell says:
It did, and had me giggling to myself. I only just saw this, though. Bit slow, sometimes, me. That’s why I haven’t yet figured out that opening my already unstable hips is the key to fixing my SIJ…
Jenifer says:
Have you noticed you have sexy thighs? A lot of people think that they might be “big” or “thick” but, I think they are sexy.
Because my tastes are not normal, or, that is to say, I covet your thighs, you should probably do something about that. Apparently, thin thighs or skinny thighs are more valued.
You could, for example, attempt to shave off some of the muscle, dehydrate it, and send it to a community of starving cannibals, since cannibalism is so out these days. Those poor people, what do they eat? They probably have to be vegan. But you could help them, and get thin thighs.
See, it’s a really elegant solution. I’m so good at giving advice.
Nadine Fawell says:
Oh Jenifer!
You are so wrong, in the rightest possible way. Why didn’t I think of that?
anna says:
There are times when advice is pretty awesome. Example: I had been teaching for only a few months when a more senior teacher gave me a suggestion. “You spend close to ninety minutes talking at/to your students. Maybe when class is over, let them talk to you.”
Completely profound to me, and it changed me. Now I will only give advice or suggestions if asked, and I let the students tell me about their practice, not the other way around.
Nadine Fawell says:
That is pretty awesome advice, Anna, I must admit.
I am not totally against advice, it’s the constant onslaught that does my head in.
Plus I seem to have a problem with authority. Or anyone setting themselves up as an authority. So there’s that.
I know it’s not useful, but I have this unfortunate tendency to do the exact opposite of what I am told I should/must…
Dana says:
Love your response to her. I believe you are the same girl who was injured by a HAG adjusting you? Another post I read that I think was you. I have practiced for over 8 years and my body has gone through many stages of ability and inability. I am now in one of those more difficult stages where I am challenged in every practice, and I have to remind my self that this is a lifelong practice that ebbs and flows…the end goal is not the “correct” asana, but actually how I live and cope off the mat. Thanks for your post!
Nadine Fawell says:
Hi Dana!
Yes, that was me. It appears I’m in a permanent ebb. Bless.
Although I seem to recall a period in my twenties when I could do lots of flashy stuff, back before I realised that was why I hurt a lot. I can be pretty slow in the mind dept too…
Megatron says:
This has happened to me several times when I’ve attempted a handstand in a yoga class. I’ve only been doing yoga since the beginning of August, so I am far from mastering this inversion (I lack the deep core strength), so obviously, I’m still struggling. On separate occasions, two female students in the class have offered me their unsolicited advice. “No, you need to get your feet closer to the wall.” “Try aiming for the space above your head.” I always ignore them, but they STOP their own practice to boss me around and then they start moving me around physically!! WTF?!?! I’m sorry, but I pay for the TEACHER’S instruction, not some random ass student who probably has just as many corrections to make as I do.
I always try and assume they’re doing it “help” me, but damn it, leave me alone and focus on YOUR practice. Isn’t that the point of yoga anyway? I’m not impressed by your “pointers”. I trust the teacher and myself only when it comes to improving my yoga practice. So please, back the fuck off and worry about yourself. I will learn handstand when my body is ready and you sure aren’t going to help me get there faster.
Rant is done. Thanks for drawing attention to this obnoxious behavior.
Nadine Fawell says:
I confess, I was ranting too…
I must also confess that I am bloody impressed you are even attempting handstand! Good onya, Megatron.
Neen says:
Ahhh the egos are out with those people….. How ridiculous from these people who as u point out should be doing their practice
Nadine Fawell says:
Amen, Neen!
Tori says:
Yup. I have nerve damage in various portions of my general pelvic region (low back through upper thighs). This causes random bursts of tingling (like a limb fallen asleep), complete lack of feeling and control, and intense pain. I compensate really fucking well — and yoga is one of those things that provides me the body awareness and physical strength I need to keep compensating — but it sometimes means that what I’m doing with my body looks a little weird or incorrect (ironically, to people who have no idea what is going on in my body).
At the first sign of clueless and unwanted advice, I now turn to a standard response of, “I will give that thought all the consideration it deserves.”
Nadine Fawell says:
Tori!!!!!
I am so co-opting that one! Brilliant
abdc says:
Hahaha! That’s a great article! I’m thinking of getting a t-shirt printed with something along the lines of ‘keep it to yourself’. Here’s one worth sharing, I think: I have an autoimmune disorder that messes up my joints and spine, and that’s one of the main reasons I do yoga. Just the other day, I was ‘offered’ the advice that I should meditate and focus my practice on… changing my DNA (!!!). Now, I’m not normally a violent person, but I really considered becoming one, for a minute or two.
eleles says:
I had some violent thoughts just hearing about that. ARGH.
Nadine Fawell says:
You guys? I seem to have missed these comments the other day, bless me – abdc? I can’t BELIEVE that! That’s the best HAG gem ever.
You do yoga to help manage your condition. You got your shit sorted, it seems to me. Change your DNA? Oh. My.
Jennifer @ Flowtation Devices says:
Oh yes, how I resonate with this post! I have a labral tear in my hip (read: torn cartilage). I tell every yoga teacher about this before class and modify the postures accordingly, but there is still one teacher who thinks that with time my hips will magically “open.” I remember the day I was beaming with pride after finally lifting myself into forearm balance, and when I shared my joy with her after class, she replied, “Now, if we can only just get those darn hips to open!”
I don’t know how much clearer I can be. I have a tear in my cartilage. If my hips open any further, the rough edge of my femur will destroy my soft tissue even further. It effing *hurts* to do pigeon, and not just “oooh, my hips are tight,” but in a “Wow, that feels like an ice pick in my pelvis” kind of way. (Note: I don’t actually do pigeon anymore.)
Thanks for putting this out there, and I’m enjoying reading all the comments, too!
Nadine Fawell says:
Wow. Forearm balance, I salute you!
Kristi says:
Oh yes, I know all about unsolicited advice. I’ve been dealing with some low back issues for years, but I can’t tell people—it’s like opening the floodgates. Suddenly everyone feels like it’s okay to tell me what I should do about it—what worked for them, their mother, their brother, their neighbor… I used to find myself getting lured into their advice, because of course I wanted to feel better, and if it worked for them… And then finally I got sick of all the input and started learning to have boundaries. Because that’s what it’s all about: BOUNDARIES.
Back when I didn’t have any boundaries, I, too, used to give a lot of unsolicited advice. God forbid I should let anyone suffer or figure out their own answers or their own path! I wanted to spare them the suffering I’d gone through. (This is also a trait common to those with low self-esteem—feeling like you have to be helpful in order to have value.) Then I learned that you have to let people find their own way. That’s how we learn and grow, by figuring it out for ourselves. Sure, you can OFFER advice, but let the person tell you whether or not they actually want it (i.e. “May I offer a suggestion? No? Okay, great.”) So many people assume that it’s okay to tell you your business. They think they’re being “helpful” but they’re not. They’re being rude and invasive. I’m so glad I learned how to keep my mouth shut and stop trying to be “helpful” (most of the time). It’s so nice to just be able to offer or receive some empathy and compassion rather than feeling like you have to fix something that’s wrong. (Because doesn’t everything that’s “wrong” need to be fixed?? We couldn’t possibly accept things as they are… Oh, I could go on and on here…)
Nadine Fawell says:
I like you, Kristi!
I particularly relate to the low self esteem thing. I have so been there.
vanessafiola says:
Nadine,
Thank you for this article. You’re spot on.
I once took a class from a well-known Los Angeles teacher and she used my triangle pose as a demonstration for the class. She started by telling me (and everyone in the class) that my hips were “too open.” Then, because she apparently felt qualified, added, “That probably means you have no boundaries in your life.”
I’ve tried writing about it many times, but nothing more than a simple “I hate your face,” has made its way onto the keyboard. So thank you for eloquently saying what I’ve wanted to articulate.
Kristi says:
Wow! How incredibly rude! And talk about projections—because clearly SHE is the one who has no boundaries. I’m so sorry you went through that. What a dreadful experience!
Nadine Fawell says:
Wow Vanessa.
What a bitch! Oh dear, did I say that out loud?
That’s one of the most shocking stories I have heard.
Kimberly Johnson says:
a little active listening goes a long way.
Nadine Fawell says:
<3
Oh yeah!
Mike says:
Hey, Nadine
I had the opposite of this happen to me once.
I was being adjusted into camel or bridge for a demo. My chest muscles are pretty stretchy. So the teacher made a comment that “he has a beautifully opened Heart”.
What do you say in a case like that? I’m not quick with comebacks and I felt sort of paralyzed by the horror of the situation so I was just silent which probably made it look like I was in a state of smug agreement about my Heart.
And I never said anything to anyone about it at the time. So surely when I walked into the studio at later dates, there must have been a few silent, “Oh is he going to grace us with his wonderfully opened Heart today?”
I much prefer when the teacher holds me up for shaming!
My body has its own unique pattern of tight areas and even some hypermobile areas. I do believe there is something to the idea of a correspondence to the physical and emotional bodies, but postural patterns are set when we are young. If my body is a map of my emotional patterns, I believe I am working with a body that is still echoing issues I have grown through. And then there is genetics. And gender. Things we’re dealt at birth and have no control over.
And you know what? I am extremely “close” or self-protecting as far as my “Heart” goes. And I sort of have to work at being generous. So there is just no correspondence there. I’m just stretchy in the pecs, that’s all.
Mike