Shit I say

Published on January 27, 2012 by      Print
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By Kirk Hensler

All those videos about Shit Different People Say really got to me.

They put me in a funk.  I mean, they described me to a T.  I felt insecure about myself.  I came to know how some of the angry readers of my articles felt.  I wanted to comment on YouTube and mention how appalled I was, but then I remembered (from being on the other side) that it would just make me look like a guilty bitch.

Things got bad for me.  I started wearing a disguise into Whole Foods.  I couldn’t even grab for a coconut water without looking around to make sure no one was looking at me, judging me.  And fuck, I was making green smoothies for years before that yoga chick!  But who was going to believe me now?  Just another bandwagon bitch.

I couldn’t keep living like that, even if it did make me feel good.  Everyone was starting to think it was cool to eat well and practice yoga, and it made me feel average to be a part of it.  I hated that feeling.

I decided to say fuck it.

So I’ve gone in the opposite direction as of late.  I’m drinking during the day a lot — liquor mostly.  I’ve started smoking cigarettes during my yoga classes, usually during back-bending.  And I only eat food if it’s been deep fried for an hour or more.  When someone gives me a green smoothie, I slap it out of their hands in disgust.  My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a kirtan the other night; I told her to go fuck herself.

I ordered cable TV.  Moved into my mom’s basement.  Got a 52” flatscreen and a really nice water bong.  I’ve put on some weight, little bit of black under my eyes… well, a lot, really.  But fuck it, I’m happy with the new me! Been watching a lot of that FOX News stuff.  That O’Reilly guy is pretty interesting.  Maybe I’ve had it wrong this whole time?  All these new age shitheads running around being all healthy and in touch with their bodies, elevating their existence, they are totally missing out.  I can TIVO shit, and then fast forward through commercials.  I never would have known that before.

Some of my friends are a bit concerned with my behavior these days.  But I know they’re just jealous about my new “I don’t give a fuck if there’s Cheetos on my fingers” attitude.  They’ll come around; they always do.

And for those of you ready to join me now, have you ever puffed an American Spirit in Urdhva Danurasana?  I’ll give you a drag, shit’s the bomb.

About Kirk Hensler

Kirk Hensler was raised in metro Detroit on a steady diet of meat, potatoes and team sports. As a competitive athlete, he relied on his speed, power and dominant attitude to excel. Years later, when he took up martial arts, he was tossed around a sweaty dojo for months by various women and children. One day, while horizontal on the mat, he had the profound realization that their patience and finesse quietly trumped his strength and aggression. This led to an exploration of ancient Eastern philosophies, which, in turn, led Kirk to Taiwan, where he taught English, studied martial arts and ate a lot of delicious and strange street food. When Kirk returned to the US, he began applying what he’d learned to his Western, urban life and to his career as a wellness coach, martial arts instructor, and yoga teacher.

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  1. darla magee says:

    i love this.
    no i mean it. i love this.
    the other day i was at the “newest coolest whole foods” in town just trying to buy some decent meat and as the cashier scanned my food she said to me, (while the scarey looking bag boy looked on) “what inspires you?”, i said “WHAT?” she cooed, “what or who inspires you?” i thought 1000 thoughts at once and came out with- “don’t ask me that shit!” sheesh.

    • Tori says:

      One thing that definitely inspires me: Not having to explain what inspires me in order to buy groceries. I live for days like that.

  2. Rhett says:


    To join in on your comment, a coworker was talking about her recent bad dating experience. The guy asked her what made her happy. When she’d answer things like “well, my dog,” he’d come back with “no, what makes you happy deep inside? What inspires you?” And that guy is probably still wondering why she isn’t calling him back, though none of the women in the office had any trouble figuring it out.

  3. Stephanie says:

    My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a kirtan the other night; I told her to go fuck herself. – Hilarious. Laughing out loud from my table at Whole Foods and feeling encouraged for having skipped over the chia kombucha today. Nice practicing with ya, rabble rouser. Glad you didn’t sell out. Jaeger bombs will be so much better than those post-practice green smoothies anyway.

  4. Vision_Quest2 says:

    “But I know they’re just jealous about my new “I don’t give a fuck if there’s Cheetos on my fingers” attitude. They’ll come around; they always do.”

    Food is to be eaten, and enjoyed, not feared.

    And I say that even as I am calorically challenged …

    But I will not go the extra mile to try for gauntness or a reasonable facsimile … life’s too short for that.

  5. Liz says:

    What the eff happened to live and let live?

  6. Lisa says:

    I just love you. My stomach hurts. In a good way.

  7. Chrissy says:

    Cheetos Rule….

  8. Andrew Gurvey says:

    I was shocked by your article as well as your gratuitous use of bad language. I am very fucking sensitive to that kind of thing :) This article was hilarious :)

  9. Sh*t I say. ~ Kirk Hensler | elephant journal says:

    [...] I say. ~ Kirk Hensler  Originally published by our elephriends over at Recovering Yogi on January 27, [...]

  10. somephillygirl says:

    i had the same experience with the shit new age girls, did they read my mind? anyhow, wanna share some cheetos ?

  11. Sienna says:

    This makes me feel better about putting Rum Cream in my Coffee before I teach…for the first time yesterday I heard someone say…’who’s ukilalae is that’ that is something I have never heard in Jamaica…only at a Yoga Conference!

  12. Morgan says:

    You’d best hurry up and trademark the shit out of that smoking backbend sequence before people start to catch on. I’d suggest adding a forward bend where you do shots as well. You know, to balance things out. It’s all about balance.

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