The anti-should list
By Thais Guimaraes
Lately I feel inundated with article after article on things we SHOULD do. Top Five Reasons To Meditate. Top Ten Things We Need to Learn. Top Hundred To Do’s Before You Die.
I know all these articles mean well; I know they do. These authors are able to articulate things they have learned and want to spread the message. They hope to inspire others to do what they do (or at least try to do) in order to Be Happy and Have It All. Hey if something worked for you, and you have the skills to write about it, why wouldn’t you share?
My inferiority complex gets a kick out of thinking that I am the only person in the world who doesn’t have it all figured out. But let’s be real, most of these authors are Joe Schmoes just like the rest of us—struggling every day to find some peace in the craziness of it all. We tend to forget that, don’t we? We forget that these authors are regular people too who probably don’t follow their own advice. We see these articles and think there must be something wrong with us because, despite reading all the self-help books/articles/blog posts/radio shows/TV shows/movies/etc on all the ways we should improve our lives, our lives are still shitty, filled with obligations and things we don’t want to do with difficult people.
I am tired of living under a pressing time bomb I call Self-Help Overload.
I want to put an end to this madness by stating that SHOULD statements are warning signs. Every time you think you should be a certain way, you are essentially saying you are not good enough at this moment. And that is an idea our society will go to any means to cultivate. If you are not good enough, you are more likely to buy those out-of-your-budget lululemon pants to make yourself look like a better yogi. If you are not good enough, you will spend hours in front of the mirror trying to hide all the wrinkles and lines that show you’ve lived a crazy life just like the rest of them. The cosmetic, food, and clothes industries thrive on your lack of confidence. In fact, most industries are alive because of the need for us to always look for ways to improve our bodies and ourselves.
This idea that we are fundamentally flawed and need to be perfected is nothing more than a smart marketing tactic. And it’s time we came together and stopped feeling inadequate. You are perfect, whole and complete just the way you are. We are all born perfect. It is by realizing this truth that the defenses around our hearts disappear and we will begin to act more perfectly.
So this is a plea. A plea against the shoulds. You will see that once you love yourself for who you are, love around you will flourish. People will respond positively. You will naturally want to feed yourself better foods and endeavor in some sort of spiritual practice. The more you accept who you are, the less you will fear life, and you will judge others less. And it all starts by not listening to Them. You do not need to better yourself; you have everything you need right now to be the most amazing human being possible.
About Thais Guimaraes
Thais is a 20-something, wandering but not lost, chocoholic yogini with a passion for all things inspiring. You can catch her taking naps in the park with her black lab, Caviar, reading ten books at a time, or tweeting away about some quote or another. Check out her corner of the blogging world here.
13 Comments !
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Tracie says:
Love this essay, Thais. This is the very reason I canceled every magazine subscription I had except for two…Yoga Journal and The Sun. But lately I’ve noticed each month my Yoga Journal comes in the mail it is riddled with “shoulds” and “live your best life!” urgings just as Oprah’s magazine and every other women’s rag out there does. Gross. Yoga Journal just might have to be the next one off my list if this keeps up.
Thanks for bringing this into the light, you bright and shiny star, you!
Thais says:
thank you for reading love! keep shining that light <3
Arlene says:
Thank you! Some shoulds I’ve gotten from others: “you shouldn’t have tight hips you’re a massage therapist” and my new fave: “you shouldn’t be unhappy you’re a yoga teacher” the conversation was about how sometimes I am sad that I never had children… Go figure! All this on top of all the shoulds I give myself…just learning to be comfortable where I am in the moment is such an amazing accomplishment.
annette says:
here’s the thing…we are not all born perfect, we are born FLAWED, we are all alike and experiencing happiness and suffering…and that is true and alright. We don’t need to change it, just recognize it.
We magnify our own suffering by not being aware of our thoughts and swimming around in our negative thoughts. THAT is what meditation is about, learning to be aware of our thoughts and practicing not running away with them. It is not making your mind quiet to the point of being mindLESS so you live in a land of rainbows and unicorns. It is perfectly alright for Arlene to but just notice and greet your old friend sadness as it passes by instead of taking its hand and wandering around with it perpetually in your company.
C init says:
Thank you Annette, I think I love you! And Diana. And thank you Thais (fantastic name) for sharing. I appreciate how something I really needed to see articulated was borne out of this article. I appreciate what you (Thais) say about loving ourselves, and really happy to see people embrace the idea that we are flawed and move on. I also like the Allende quote. What a gold mine of thoughts today!
annette says:
oops ***it is perfectly alright for Arlene to** FEEL SADNESS** that got left out of my sentence. See? we all mess up, I just won’t be beating myself up about it:)
Diana Chewning says:
I am Human, full of flaws and very imperfect, I just try to do the best I can in the moment,,,,,,,,,,what the heck…….life is hard enuf,,,relax, I can do better next time, I can apoligize………….I hope everyone is having a great day..
thanks for your story, love your pic
Louie says:
Nice Up Dog!!
forsakinghalfloves says:
“I stopped examining myself in the mirror to compare myself to the perfect beauties of movies and magazines; I decided I was beautiful—for the simple reason that I wanted to be. And then never gave the matter a second thought.” — Eva Luna by Isabel Allende
I used to subscribe to a lot of e-newsletters and RSS feeds of sites that write about self-help and empowerment and inspiration. I’ve recently started unsubscribing from a whole bunch of them. Thanks for this post.
Omshanti.dk says:
Amen!
laura says:
LOVE it! Should has long been my least favorite words and you hit the nail on the head! Who exactly are these people that think they “should” tell you what you “should” be doing. Like you said they may mean well ( I suspect they are more interested in selling something but that’s the cynic in me!) but keep the “shoulds” to a minimum!
Lisa says:
Thank you for writing this Thais.
Jo says:
Hi Thais,
Haven’t got to read as much of your stuff recently because I haven’t been on Twitter recently. Love this!