The McYoga Sutras, Chapter 1: Self Absorption

Published on January 4, 2012 by      Print
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By Laura Riggs

Herein lies The McYoga Sutras, a four-chapter treatise, providing you, student, with the keys to enlightenment. Or at least the outward appearance of it, which is all that ever matters anyway.  These four chapters, deliberately curated to render you an expert in under 200 hours (Yoga Alliance-certified!) are:  Self Absorption, The Eight Limbs of McYoga, McYoga Economics and Becoming Extraordinary

This jewel is being offered to you for a mere $120 per month, by the leaders of the Cult of the Self-Absorbed, Judgmental and the Obnoxious so that we may continue to fund our daily alcohol and opium rations, while spiritualizing your hypochondria, as our trust funds have now run out and we have been told to get real jobs.  If you, too, lack any sort of professional or social skills, then please join the movement to avoid personal suffering and accountability, at all costs, while touting your path toward enlightenment to anyone bored enough with their own lives to listen to your overt story of denial.

Part 1: Self Absorption

1.1   Now begins the study and practice of McYoga

1.2   McYoga is merely for physical fitness and a means of manifesting money

1.3   The goal of McYoga is never spiritual, period, this is called self absorption

1.4   McYoga’s purpose is to teach the practitioner how to achieve self absorption and that self-identity is an illusion to be overcome.

1.5   At other times, when one is not self absorbed, the follower appears to take on the form of five modifications to conjure the mentality within the McYoga clique

1.6   These five modifications manifest as misconception, gossip, detachment, narcissism, and allegiance

1.7   Misconception is an illusionary knowledge that attending a McYoga studio will help the practitioner live an extraordinary life

1.8   Gossip is the spread of false rumors about those who are “off our path” to standardization of the physical practice

1.9   The practitioner will partake in smoking various plants from the earth to become firmly rooted in complete detachment from reality in order to enjoy attending mind-numbing raves, aka “yoga festivals”

1.10 Narcissism is achieved when the practitioner realizes detachment from others will leave one completely fixated on his/her self

1.11 Allegiance is complete when the practitioner swears loyalty to McYoga as their sole provider of all forms of physical fitness and spends their income on a monthly membership, worthless trainings, mediocre lifestyle programs, and investing in future McYoga locations

1.12 These personality modifications will be mastered through practice and aversion

1.13 McYoga makes it easy to practice 2-3 times daily now that we have 50+ locations open in the US (and another 50 slated to open this year)

1.14 Aversion is realized when one believes that they because they subscribe to McYoga, they have somehow become a better person, all the while behaving like an egomaniacal, judgmental prick

1.15 From that practice, obstacles to successful aversion begin to disappear

1.16 These obstacles are awareness, wise knowledge, empathy, humility, wise action, and honor

1.17 Accompanying these obstacles are frustration, amnesia, judgments, restlessness, disease and injury

1.18 In order to prevent these obstacles from arising, one should habituate themselves in the teaching of McYoga

1.19 By cultivating attitudes of indifference toward suffering, denial toward truth, indulgence toward vice, and anger toward others, the obstacles can be lessened

1.20 Another way to McYoga is the mastery of ignorance

1.21 Without reflection, ignorance is bliss

1.22 Without reflection, the practitioner remains in a state of ignorance to varying degrees

1.23 McYoga is born through the repression of awareness and all individuality is lost

 

Now that you have a better understanding of what McYoga is, the next phase to joining the Cult is to follow our simple 8-step program in Chapter 2: Eight Limbs of McYoga (coming soon!).

About Laura Riggs

Laura started practicing yoga roughly ten years ago and began teaching five years ago.  She left a successful career in advertising to teach yoga full-time because she decided it would be totally rad to pretend she was 21 again. She managed two large studios for the past two years, led many teacher trainings, and enjoyed having her soul sucked out of her. Now that the LSD in the Kool-Aid they had her drink before work each day has worn off, she is relieved to be rid of a company that believes first in money and second in “speaking your truth” — so long as it agrees with “our truth” because “our truth” can kick “your truth’s” ass!  She does admit there are days that she still checks the studio’s yoga schedule and experiences flashbacks – only to be grateful she no longer has to manage the severely undereducated teachers trying their best to fulfill the studio’s mandate to “Bring the Sexy Back” to yoga. Last time she checked herself, before she wrecked herself, yoga was never sexy to begin with…..

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24 Comments !

  1. Matthew says:


    I’ve mastered the hell out of ignorance. I’m on my way to being a McYogi. Actual fun fact: McRib sandwich ‘meat’ contains ingredient used to make yoga mats: http://www.king5.com/health/McRib-contains-chemical-yoga-mats-133075898.html
    Circle of life, people.

  2. Downdogandcats says:


    Outstanding. Reading your thoughts restores my faith in the magnanimous nature of yoga. One need only see what Bikram, lawyers, Yoga Alliance, commercialization, standardization, and greed have done to the state of yoga to lose any sense of what yoga actually is. Your piece reminds us that yoga is not the problem. The western culture, our culture, is.

  3. darla magee says:


    absolutely brilliant!
    can’t wait for more!

  4. linda says:


    love it…..

  5. smange says:


    absolutely amazing! so unbelievably accurate if you too have experienced a similar environment :) thank you for your well- crafted piece! I am very much looking forward to Chapter 2!

  6. Mary Donnery says:


    Lol…thanks for this, Laura :)

  7. kshurika says:


    Dear Laura:

    This is my 40th year in yoga and I’ve been teaching for about 17. I found your parody shocking and disrespectful.

    Also, it says what I’ve been saying for about 15 years.

    Finally, I think I’m in love with you. Can we meet at the next Bhakti Fest? I’ll be the one in drawstring pants carrying a harmonium.

    Namaste, etc.

    • Laura says:


      Congrats – I think you are my first official stalker! I am so honored. :)

      • Braja says:


        Stalkers don’t reveal themselves. Do they?

        I just “came out” as Braja McGod on EJ, where the possibilities for stalking are premium. And I’m not making up anymore new brilliantly entertaining comments: I’m just going to cut and paste from now on: mine AND others. Anywhere. Anytime. Stalk THAT, baby….

  8. Braja says:


    McYogi? Honey, a little more opium and you can be like me: McGod.

    That’s my maiden name: Braja McGod.

    Now hand me the pipe….

  9. lc says:


    Loved this, and loved your bio even more!!

    Keep writing and posting. Your words made me smile and that’s a good thing.

    Love,

    leeann

  10. The McYoga Sutras, Chapter 1: Self Absorption. ~ Laura Riggs | elephant journal says:


    [...] 1: Self Absorption. ~ Laura Riggs Originally published by our elephriends over at Recovering Yogi on January 4, 2011.  [...]

  11. The McYoga Sutras, Chapter 2: The Eight Limbs of McYoga | RecoveringYogi says:


    [...] The McYoga Sutras, Chapter 1: Self Absorption, we introduced this four-chapter treatise outlining the keys to enlightenment. Here, for your yogic [...]

  12. What does it really take to be a great yoga teacher? | RecoveringYogi says:


    [...] – don’t blame me, I didn’t name it). You do not need to play the harmonium or quote the Yoga Sutras verse for verse. And get this . . . you do not need to be an RYT (Registered Yoga Teacher) through [...]

  13. Dan says:


    Ha good work – a lot of thus rings true. I’ve been practicing genui me yoga for 12 years now, but have to confess have recently got into bikram. Thing is I love the workout , and there how I view it. Like a core fitness and stretching class u get I. Gyms. It’s great for that but about as spiritual as a fart in a lift. Because my background I to try and incorporate a meditative side to it, but lets face it, u go to bikram for a workout not a path to enlightenment.

    Have to say that the average bikram atendee does seem somewhat, well… Shallow if there not too harsh s word.?its a very different crowd then a yin yoga class…


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