Why I’m not joining your positive thinking cult
By Samantha Dublin
The other day someone tweeted that doing social good for her meant only tweeting positive things and good news. I rolled my eyes and muttered, “How on earth is that helpful?”
I am a firm believer in yin yang. The idea that opposite forces are connected and dependent on each other—that one cannot exist without the other. After all, how would we know what good is if bad didn’t exist? Our daily goal should be to find and maintain balance in our lives—balance between too much of anything.
Whether or not we acknowledge the existence of negative things in the world, they are there.
No amount of positive thinking is going to prevent bad things from happening to us. If we choose to ignore it, we risk being unprepared when negative things do happen. Does that mean we should be walking around like a grouch? No, but there is a happy middle ground between negative and positive extremes. A middle ground that prepares us for the worst while hoping for the best.
Being unprepared for negative events is only one of my issues with too much positive thinking. Another issue is the potential for laying the blame on individuals for the negative things that happen to them. Things that are beyond anyone’s control. The idea that positive thinking can protect us from negative things then implies that these negative things that happen to people are deserved. That somehow someone did something to deserve cancer or some other terrible disease. Or that the guy with the corner office “positive-thought” his way in there rather than working his butt off. These are obviously extreme examples, but fall in line with the same train of thought. Ultimately, bad things happen to good people and to bad people. It is about accepting it and coping/moving on. Sometimes there just isn’t an explanation for the amount of pain in a person’s life. It is not necessarily a reflection of who he is. What will say something about him is how he has dealt with whatever life has thrown his way.
It’s nice to believe that the universe conspires to get us what we want, but maybe it would be easier on our souls if we didn’t take it so personally. We just have to accept what comes our way and cope with it as best as we can. You do your best and that is all anyone can ask for. Does this belief absolve us from doing anything? No. Does it mean not even bothering to participate? No. You can’t win the lottery if you don’t buy a lottery ticket.
Not to mention that some of the most brilliant and creative minds we know are borne out of strife. And if you think about the negative things that have happened to you, aren’t you a better person for it? A lot of positive change has come out of negative events, so why do we think that we’re better off without them? Because they are hard? Sure. But Thomas Paine said it best when he wrote:
What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods…
Call me a realist. Call me whatever name you want but I’m not joining your positivity cult. Now let the good times roll…
About Samantha Dublin
When Samantha is asked how she became so fit, she responds, “I grew up poor.” She is a fan of all things awkward and irreverent. She is also a yoga teacher and spinning instructor in Bethesda, Maryland. You would never know it from her road rage and devotion to cheese fries but, fortunately, her goal is authenticity, not perfection.
25 Comments !
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Roy says:
Wonderful and POSITIVELY inspiring. Nothing like a little truth to blow away the cobwebs in thinking. Thank you. I ,too, have encountered anti-negativity negativists.
Sam says:
Anti-negativity negativists? That’s a good one.
I’m tired of them. Where is the acceptance? Where is “the world is made up of different people?” We all have to be smiling drones or we’ll piss off the universe and she’ll send a plague out to us? No, thank you. I’d rather be authentic.
Chrissy says:
Beautiful….when I hear that new age crap about “attracting EVERYTHING”, from some drippy fool it truly flames my anger or makes me wonder if they have never set foot in a Children’s Hospital…
Sam says:
Exactly. I think everyone jumped on “The Alchemist” bandwagon and went crazy. I have Facebook “friends” whose status updates are of the universe talking to them. I laugh to keep from crying. I also unsubscribed from their feed.
J Tang says:
Every time someone mentions The Secret an angel yogi gets its wings clipped.
Exclamation!!!
Sam says:
Oh those poor angel yogis.
The Secret is another one of those things that drive me crazy. I didn’t realize that life could be so easily manipulated?!? Here I was working hard and hoping for the best instead of making wish boards. Duh.
Danielle Stimpson says:
Not to mention…James Arthur Ray of The Secret is currently in jail on manslaughter charges after 3 people died in a sweat lodge he led. Lesson: The power of positive thought can not prevent us from dying as a result of poorly supervised dangerous activities as promoted by unqualified individuals. It also won’t prevent you from getting convicted and sentenced.
Danielle Stimpson says:
THANK YOU THANK YOU for bringing up the victim blaming misapplication of the law of attraction. I see this way too much. I had a couple of local colleagues (Reiki practitioners) tell me that they had clients come through doing some lewd things and request sex services when they were working from their homes. When I asked if they reported it to the authorities, they said NO!! Because surely they “Manifested it!” Yeah, because our thoughts ultimately control the actions of others. SMH.
Can thinking positively help you put a better spin on a crap thing? Yeah, sometimes-but it won’t make you invincible. There are limits. If the positive thought thing gets in the way of using your logical mind, it’s really more akin to delusion.
Sam says:
And delusions will ultimately hurt you. You’re welcome and thank you for sharing that story.
Joslyn Hamilton says:
Exactly.
julian walker says:
exactly. very nicely done – a reasonable explanation of why denying reality in the name of positivity is actually a negative thing to do!
Sam says:
Apparently, no one taught them that too much of anything is a bad thing. Except for cupcakes. The ONLY exception to the rule.
If you think about it, it’s pretty oppressive to have to be positive all the time… And that’s not okay. A person shouldn’t be made to feel bad for their feelings.
melania says:
thanks for this well written and very inspiring article.
Sam says:
And thank you for reading it! I rode the positive thinking train for a while there as well but it just didn’t sit right and it was only recently that I was able to clearly express why!
eleles says:
I love Barbara Ehrenreich’s takedown of the spurious idea that positive thinking can influence the course of disease, written by Barbara Ehrenreich. I love it because the *last* thing seriously ill people is to have other people implying that somehow, they are at fault for their disease, or for not recovering faster, or for not recovering at all. Excerpt and link below:
“You’ve probably read that assertion so often, in one form or another, that it glides by without a moment’s thought about what the immune system is, how it might be affected by emotions and what, if anything, it could do to fight cancer. The link between the immune system, cancer, and the emotions was cobbled together somewhat imaginatively in the 70s….The dogma, however, did not survive further research…”
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/02/cancer-positive-thinking-barbara-ehrenreich
Sam says:
Her book turned me off at first because her criticism was pretty vitriolic towards positive thinkers, life coaches, etc. but, getting past all of that, it was clear that her points were valid. I talked to a lot of individuals about it – especially self-proclaimed positive thinkers and they reacted negatively to it (ironic?).
I think we should instead promote trusting ourselves. All feelings are valid. It’s our duty to explore and learn from them. It’s okay to be positive but not to the point of excluding everything else. That’s the beauty of the human experience, isn’t it?
Anna says:
This article is refreshing! It reminds me of Barbara Ehrenreich’s “Bright-sided”. Because really, overly positive people are creepy, undermine your common sense, and are potentially counter-productive.
Eleles says:
I’ll check that out, thanks!
Sam says:
I have been encouraging a lot of people to read her book!
Kristi says:
I’ve been trying to find a middle ground between my more naturally occurring problem-seeking perspective and the more positive, optimistic attitude that I am learning to cultivate. Positive psychology and positive thinking used to really piss me off, but I think it was partly a factor of dealing with depression and a bunch of really bad shit in my life. Once I got through the shit and upped my B vitamins (yes, seriously), I found I was better able to hold onto a positive perspective, and that when I did, I felt better. For example, for several years I despised the thought of doing affirmations, but then I found that they actually helped me feel better emotionally, as long as I didn’t turn them into some Law of Attraction set-up for failure that reinforced my negative self beliefs. So for me, it’s about accepting reality without judging it or letting what I think it means about me send me into a negative spiral AND practicing being positive. Positivity was not something I learned as a child—I learned fear, paranoia and to look at the negative side of things. So now, for my mental health, I am trying to learn something different.
And I do very much believe that what we see as our “reality” comes from our perspective and interpretations. If we look for the negative, that’s what we’re going to see. If we look for the positive, that’s what we’re going to see. We don’t “attract” it, we simply see what we expect to see. Two people can look at the same event with completely opposite perspectives. It’s all a matter of interpretation. So learning to observe reality and not judge it seems like a good idea…
Sam says:
I wholeheartedly agree that people will see what they expect to see… be it positive or negative. I like that in your attempt to find the middle ground that you haven’t gotten rid of what does work for you. We’re all different people that come in varying shapes and sizes and a cookie-cutter solution will not help everyone. It’s about balance… Oooommm.
Christine says:
Ok…I use to have a hard time with understanding peoples positive goo….but as I’ve gotten older my own positive goo is mine and it makes me GO! I really do enjoy helping others understand happiness because happiness does not just come from money or what type yoga you are doing; but that is where I’m different in my positivity. I think when people get so far gone from reality, they too are running from something and that is indeed reality. I grew up without much, not necessarily poor, but not rich, but certainly, not having a whole lot. Shoot even now as a mom and an adult don’t have a whole lot! But the point to see joy in life is feeling that just because I’m not as rich as Paris Hilton doesn’t mean I cannot enjoy what I have…but then again, it doesn’t mean I cannot want more!!!! And just because I have a positive approach to life doesn’t mean I don’t get that reality is there, and bad shit can happen! I have the positive approach that when bad stuff happens I, scream bloody murder and then pick myself up again; this is the positivity that makes me go! This is the yin and yang to positive thinking.
Thanks for your post! I enjoyed it!
Sam says:
Your kind of process is the kind that will really help people get somewhere. A positive-only attitude can help you… for a little bit but it’s just not sustainable. Some things get me down… Like the fact that I had to drop $700 on my less than 2 year old car. I am feeling pretty bummed out about it. Bummed/defeated/frustrated but I’m relaxing, relating and releasing!
Dave O says:
Barbara Ehrenreich: A History of Collective Joy
Author of Bright-sided: How Positive Thinking is Undermining America
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAGfsLUvYyI&feature=related
Ron E. Thorpe says:
G’day eh!
For 40 years I’ve used the ‘I Ching’ or the Book of Changes and there are a number of things I can surmise from this teaching. Firstly there are only two kinds of people, those who look towards the light and those who look away from the light. In this 3rd dimension one sees always shades of grey as the mix of yin and yang expresses together but if one looks TOWARD THE LIGHT from wherever they are wrapped in matter at whatever density or frequency there is the drive to rise toward the LIGHT. No one in this density is perfect and so always shades of grey are apparent. Secondly once we have risen beyond the magnetizm to matter at the lower densities there comes a shift that brings one into the state of being wherein contrasts are not black and white or good and evil anymore but contrasts are in COLOR and no evil exists in this domain, only multitudinous creations in living vibrant Color. Does this help anyone?. Is this a reasonable assumption?