The Yoga Olympics
By Nadine Fawell
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Yoga Olympics.
It’s an all-new event, and although many of you have been competing on an amateur level for years, it’s time to get professional. Start training, and if you are good enough you might make it into the top levels of yoga. Events at the Yoga Olympics include:
Competitve asana
This is, of course, the most important event. If you can stick your head further up your own ass than anyone else, you will win. This is the major leagues. Time to up the ante.
Spiritual one-upmanship
The fencing of the Yoga Olympics, this event requires subtlety and deftness. You will need to be able to make others feel withered because you meditate for longer, or have a better mala, or know more Sanskrit, or can lead a Kirtan the best.
If you can do those things, but you don’t make other people feel like assholes in the light of your spiritual superiority, you will not stand a chance in this event. Get training!
Food-rule Face Off
It’s a matter of discipline, this one. Vegans have an automatic advantage over mere vegetarians here, and if you can add more rules, like sugar free, organic-only, no coffee, nothing cooked, you are well on your way to qualifying for this event.
Meat-eating, coffee drinkers need not apply.
Cool Studio Comparison
There are two parts to this event: doing yoga at the coolest studio in town, and, in the elite section, owning or working at the coolest studio. To be really competitive here, you must be able to list all the reasons practicing in a community centre/church hall/at home is not acceptable, and preferably be able to name-drop more than anyone else. It’s a battle of wits, fairy lights, and popularity.
Only for cool kids.
Sanctimonious Bullshit
The truly skilled in this field will be able to apply sanctimonious bull in all the other events giving them an inevitable edge.
Stars in this event will be skilled at diagnosing the shortcomings of others. They will be able to come across as the saintliest in the room, and quote all sorts of random yoga ‘knowledge’ at the drop of a hat.
They will be able to tell you why you aren’t living up to your niyamas. Even if you don’t know what niyamas are.
It’s time to get practicing, people. Only the best of the best can win.
About Nadine Fawell:
Nadine Fawell’s edit button doesn’t work: if there is something inappropriate to be said, she will say it. Often in yoga class. She drinks coffee and swears and sometimes she thinks deeply about life. You can find her at www.yogawithnadine.com.
32 Comments !
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charlie says:
We can host it in Asheville if you’d like.
Nadine Fawell says:
Bwahahahaha!
Mary Elizabeth says:
Some day I’m going to make it Nadine’s part of the world and give her a giant hug! Of course, she’ll probably swear at me for doing so.
Nadine Fawell says:
Fuck no, I’d never do that! I like hugs.
Nadine Fawell says:
Well, not the creepy kind of hugs, with too much body contact…those I don’t like so much.
Mary Elizabeth says:
Well, Nadine, at the yoga olympics, creepy hugs are the only kind, right? Don’t we have to hug long enough for our auras to meld into the One, moving past all this maya shit that says that you and I are separate?
Nadine Fawell says:
Dammit! I forgot about that.
Joe says:
Sports coverage of a yoga competition: http://bit.ly/J4khiV
Nadine Fawell says:
OMG, Joe! That’s a little bit priceless!
Joe says:
I’m very inspired by Sri Dhananjai Bikram’s achievement. He’s inspired me to strive to become the most spiritual person in my yoga class. Already I’m less ego-involved than many people there who have been practicing yoga for years!
C init says:
Love it all. The events, The Onion…gold mine. Though truth be told, I am a world champion at diagnosing the shortcomings of others. It’s true. I will win the gold medal for that, and then I will display it in my bathroom. Cuz, well, you know….seems appropriate.
Nadine Fawell says:
Gold medal to you, C! I get one too, I think…
The Yoga Olympics | Yoga with Nadine says:
[...] right, who knew? To read about this, and the other exciting event in the Yoga Olympics, pop over to Recovering Yogi today and read my full [...]
Tori says:
Question: If I can spout sanctimonious bullshit about the shortcomings of others while eating bacon and drinking coffee, can I earn bonus hypocrisy points from the judges?
Nadine Fawell says:
You TOTALLY would. You’d have to elbow me out of the way though, because I excel at that event. Especially with the coffee…
KrisR says:
Don’t forget to ‘breathe out of your SIDE RIBS” and “feel the space between your inner heal and your outer thigh”.
Thanks for the chuckle.
Nadine Fawell says:
The worst is? I’ve heard myself say that stuff. Also, ‘Broaden your chest’. Someone actually asked me what the F I meant the other day. I thought that was pretty awesome of her…
Rachel says:
Oh me too. “soften your breastbone “spread your ribs like a Spanish fan”. WTF !!!
KrisR says:
Unfortunately, I asked how I was supposed ‘breathe out of my side ribs’ in class and got properly STOOD DOWN in front of everyone. Accused of not respecting her teachings…..it was not a pretty scene for any of us.
I survived – but just. Leaving class feeling like a worthless piece of shit is not my idea of yoga.
My esoteric bullshit alarm went off and I can’t get it to shut it off.
Nadine Fawell says:
Kris, that’s sucky! I’m sorry that happened to you. No wonder your BS-o-meter went off!
Rae says:
A good teacher would just reply with an explanation(unless she was just repeating without understanding the reason) – why take it personally if someone doesn’t understand? A lot of my instructions sound a little batty and not all instructions work for all students so different approaches are needed, but I encourage students to ask and then I just explain from another approach. Why be upset? Some ‘teachers’ are just dick-holes masquerading as teachers, tho. Find someone with a better attitude:)
Michael Satori says:
enjoyed your post! thanks for sharing !
Nadine Fawell says:
Thanks for reading, Michael!
JJ says:
If they had a Haterade competition you would win hands down…whats your point, hater?
Nadine Fawell says:
Hi JJ: I won something? Awesome. I hope there’s a medal involved.
Bruce says:
so glad I found this website, and your Olympics post deserves a Gold medal :O)
Nadine Fawell says:
Yesssss! I am racking up them medals, now!
Mat says:
Interesting fact: Yoga WAS made an official sport in the UK in 1995. I think they are looking to recruit a Performance Manager for London 2012. Successful candidate must be able to meditate in under 5 minutes. But I have to say – its just not funny when it’s your life… http://matwitts.com/blog/yoga-and-sport-england/
Nadine Fawell says:
Oh Mat! I feel slightly silly now…more silly than usual, I mean.
geraldine says:
Love, love, love ur blog. Soooo true and made me laugh sooooo much. That’s y I love u!
Nadine Fawell says:
Gold medals for both of us maybe? Heeeeheeee!
Leanne says:
Gold!